things fall apart one by one. they fall apart slowly and it seems like it happens all at once. i’m in the exact same place that i was yesterday- figuratively and literally. my mind is in jumbles and i am stuck at home because my car isnt fixed, so i am sitting in the chair in my bedroom, trying to figure out what to do about all of these thoughts.
they aren’t as bad as they were yesterday. today my body was craving sleep and there was nothing i could do to stop it from happening. my eyes were so sore and so heavy that they absolutely refused to stay open.
i see my therapist tomorrow. what is it that i am supposed to say? that i’m feeling better? that i feel like i’m lying all of the time? that i don’t feel like there has been any change because i’ve forgotten how to feel and there are so many thoughts spinning around in my head that i couldnt feel if i wanted to?
no. none of that.
i will talk about other things. there are things that i know that he wants me to think about. they are relevant to the situation, but irrelevant to how im feeling now. night is the only time that i feel brought out of this numbness. the only time that i can laugh. it is what i look forward to all day long. my solace in a night of sleeplessness. i can laugh.
i had 9 pita chips today. some lemonade. because i felt like i was going to throw up. i feel better now. i’m still tired. i’m waiting for my daddy to come pick me up to take me to the store.
i want to get my tattoo finished. i want to start new ones. start my sleeve.
jennimazky 